On My Skepticism of Trusting Guys, or The Chilling Reality of Rape Culture

On My Skepticism of Trusting Guys, or The Chilling Reality of Rape Culture

Trigger Warnings: Discussion of rape, sexual assault, molestation, rape culture

I will couch this entire post with a disclaimer: I love guys. I think they’re fascinating, fun, sexy creatures. I am not a man-hating queer feminist. Far from it. But I do have my reservations.

I’ve always had trouble trusting guys.

Continue reading “On My Skepticism of Trusting Guys, or The Chilling Reality of Rape Culture”

Advertisements

On Depression, Anxiety and Mental Instability, or “What Are You Going To Do About Your Freak-Out Factor?”

On Depression, Anxiety and Mental Instability, or “What Are You Going To Do About Your Freak-Out Factor?”

This week at work, the entire company has been attending workshops in which we discuss our fears, insecurities, the way we handle issues, and how to improve upon them. A lot of the things that have been addressed have interlocked a great deal with the themes I have been writing about on this blog, and it has been a valuable prompt for more self-reflection.

So when the question was asked, “What do you fear that others will think about you?”  I knew right away.

“That I’m unstable,” I shared with the group.

The Crazy Girl. Mentally unhinged. Incapable of handling her emotions.

I scribbled a note to myself. I knew what I was going to write about tonight.

Continue reading “On Depression, Anxiety and Mental Instability, or “What Are You Going To Do About Your Freak-Out Factor?””

On Shaving My Head, or How Everyone In the World Thinks That Their Opinion Matters To Me

On Shaving My Head, or How Everyone In the World Thinks That Their Opinion Matters To Me

Ever since college, I wanted to shave my head. In one of our theatre department’s productions, a woman was cast in the role of an androgynous sorcerer, and was designed to be bald. Initially, the plan was to use a bald cap on her, but either due to allergies or just frustration with the length of the application process, the actress decided she was going to shave her hair off. She was gorgeous and strong and proud with her bald head. She rocked it, she owned it.

And it was then that I decided that, at some point in my life, I would do the same. I had heard women talk about how liberating it was, how cleansing, how it taught them things about the way they viewed themselves and the way the world reacted in turn.

Continue reading “On Shaving My Head, or How Everyone In the World Thinks That Their Opinion Matters To Me”

On the Vulnerability of Being An Artist, or Oh Goodness I Hope I Have Something People Actually Want To Read

On the Vulnerability of Being An Artist, or Oh Goodness I Hope I Have Something People Actually Want To Read

Mark Rothko Red On Maroon
Panel from Red On Maroon Mural (1959) by Mark Rothko (via)

Last night, I attended a performance of the John Logan play RED produced at my place of employment.

It’s a fascinating play featuring dialogue about art, philosophy, and life through the lens of the artist Mark Rothko in the late 1950s.

I was especially struck by a line that Rothko said when he was asked about how he felt about sending his art out into the world.

Selling a picture is like sending a blind child into a room full of razor blades. It’s going to get hurt and it’s never been hurt before, it doesn’t know what hurt is.”

–Rothko, in the play RED by John Logan

This was such an apt description of the vulnerability of being an artist, and the tenuous release of one’s work into the cruel world of critique and opinions.

Continue reading “On the Vulnerability of Being An Artist, or Oh Goodness I Hope I Have Something People Actually Want To Read”

On Body Image, Weight Gain, Weight Loss, and Disordered Eating

On Body Image, Weight Gain, Weight Loss, and Disordered Eating

TW: Talk about anorexic tendencies

My parents are amazing. They’re full of unconditional love, supportive, and well meaning in every way.

But, for pretty much as long as I can remember, I’ve heard them say the words “Be careful with what you eat, you don’t want to end up like us.”

Continue reading “On Body Image, Weight Gain, Weight Loss, and Disordered Eating”

On Bi/Panphobia, Bisexual Erasure, and My Queer Identity When I Still Like Dudes

On Bi/Panphobia, Bisexual Erasure, and My Queer Identity When I Still Like Dudes

*Apologies for the formatting issues..I’m still learning WordPress!*

(99 problems bi
(Image: https://australianmedievalists.wordpress.com/2014/09/28/the-erasure-of-eleanor-rykener-a-case-study-in-trans-and-bi-phobia/)

Because of my gender identity, coupled with my sexuality, I generally declare myself as “queer,” which is really an umbrella term that encompasses a lot of things.

But that’s a tricky label when you’re a girl who still likes cisgender guys. (Cisgender: a person who identifies as the gender they were assigned at birth.)

I mean, “queer” sounds kind of off-limits.

So then there’s “pansexual” but most people don’t know what that means. No, I am not aroused by kitchenware.

Sometimes it’s best to just proclaim “I’m attracted to people.”

Continue reading “On Bi/Panphobia, Bisexual Erasure, and My Queer Identity When I Still Like Dudes”

On Inadequacy and Self Loathing, or How My Second Boyfriend Was Legally Banned From My College

On Inadequacy and Self Loathing, or How My Second Boyfriend Was Legally Banned From My College

Trigger warnings:  Self injury, suicidal thoughts, emotionally abusive relationships

I hate disappointing people.

Ever since I was in elementary school, I did extremely well in school, participated in all sorts of extracurricular activities (piano, dance, theatre, violin, gymnastics, voice lessons, choir) and pretty much dominated the Best In Show awards in most categories I entered in the local county 4-H Fair.

thirdclass dinning14I’m on the right, as “Kate Murphy” in Titanic: The Musical my senior year of high school

I was very dedicated to living a life pleasing to God, and I would stay up late at night in middle school worrying about if I was going to get into Heaven, and then if my family was going to get into Heaven, and then if my friends were going to get into Heaven.

I went on a mission trip with my church to Haiti when I was 14, inner-city Philly when I was 15, Toronto when I was 16, and the Dominican Republic when I was 18. And the whole time I was on them, I worried if I was being selfless enough. I worried that I was doing them for the wrong reasons, for the glorification of myself, not of God. I was tormented by my inadequacies.

100_7147On my mission trip to the Dominican Republic, 2005

Continue reading “On Inadequacy and Self Loathing, or How My Second Boyfriend Was Legally Banned From My College”