On My Marriage or How Forever Turned Into One Year

On My Marriage or How Forever Turned Into One Year

TW: brief discussion of self injury and not-quite-suicidal thoughts

Five years ago this Friday, I started dating the woman who would be my wife.

Two years ago today, I married the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Photo by Carolyn Sinon

One year ago today, she asked for a divorce.

Today, I’m half a country and worlds away from where I was last year, and I’m doing so amazingly well.

Things all work out.
But what happened?

Continue reading “On My Marriage or How Forever Turned Into One Year”

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On Dating Again or How My Divorce Has Kinda Messed Me Up For Any Future Partners

Yep. It’s happening.
This upcoming Tuesday would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary, and this Friday, my ex wife and I would have been together for five years.

And I’m dipping my toes back into the dating pool.

And it’s weird AF.

Continue reading “On Dating Again or How My Divorce Has Kinda Messed Me Up For Any Future Partners”

On Soulmates, or What Do Plato, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Elite Daily Have in Common?

Note:  This post gets pretty quote-heavy, but bear with me!

The word “soulmate” is tossed around a lot.

It means different things for different people. Some think that there is one person out there in the world that they are destined to be with, and that is their soulmate. They will be the most perfectly compatible and complimentary couple in all ways.

I never quite subscribed to that philosophy. People are so unique, there are always going to be aspects that aren’t perfect.

And, after going through a divorce, perhaps I’ve become a bit jaded, in that nothing is as it seems.

Continue reading “On Soulmates, or What Do Plato, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Elite Daily Have in Common?”

On Down Days, or How Even Though The Only Person I’ve Spoken With All Week is an Aldi Cashier, I Can’t Possibly Be Social Tonight

I’ve been having one of those days.

No, I did absolutely nothing of consequence today. I’m off work for at least another week, and I slept in till 1 and took a nap at 7:30.

I had made some plans with myself to go to a dark electro night in a neighboring town, but I spent the whole day dreading it.

I made pros and cons lists. I didn’t want to go by myself but that’s just how it would have to be. It’s 20 miles away, which means it’s a commitment and I can’t just bail. I could meet some cool people, but if I got cornered by some weirdies (and there are definitely those types at these sort of occasions) I wouldn’t have a friend as an exit strategy.

And, even though the only human contact I have had in the last week was the cashier at Aldi, I really really don’t want to be around people.

I talked with friends, they tried to convince me it would be a good idea and I would end up having fun.

But in the end, I think I’m bowing out of my plans with myself.

Continue reading “On Down Days, or How Even Though The Only Person I’ve Spoken With All Week is an Aldi Cashier, I Can’t Possibly Be Social Tonight”

On Sexuality or How My Conservative Christian Upbringing Shaped Me In Super Surprising Ways

On Sexuality or How My Conservative Christian Upbringing Shaped Me In Super Surprising Ways

WARNING: This post goes into quite a bit of detail regarding my sexual history. If you’re a family/friend/person who would rather not know these things about me, turn back now! 
Continue reading “On Sexuality or How My Conservative Christian Upbringing Shaped Me In Super Surprising Ways”

On Inadequacy and Self Loathing (Part II) or How A MadTV Sketch from 2002 Called Me Out On 30 Years of Damage

On Inadequacy and Self Loathing (Part II) or How A MadTV Sketch from 2002 Called Me Out On 30 Years of Damage

NOTE: This post is dealing with similar themes, though a different aspect of my life-long struggles with feelings of inadequacy.  You can read the companion post here.

This spring, there was a seminar held at my workplace in which we were expected to dig deep within ourselves to discover what our biggest roadblocks were to peace of mind, joy and satisfaction personally and professionally. 
It was going to be 16 hours of who-knows-what, and I had no idea what to expect, and what I could possibly get out of it. 
There were a lot of wise platitudes uttered which proved to be a bit of a mindfuck for me: “We’re only our perception and our experiences. And the way we perceive others doesn’t make it true–it’s just our experiences.”

Furthermore, we were introduced to the concept that “What you see is what you anticipate seeing, what  you’ve always decided things were. How do you ever see anything new?”

Basically by the end of session three, I was convinced it was entirely probable we were living in The Matrix. 

But then, we were asked to write down the biggest issues we had at work, and in our lives in general, that kept us from experiencing joy. 

Most people listed issues with coworkers or protocols or family.

But all of mine came from internal forces.

Continue reading “On Inadequacy and Self Loathing (Part II) or How A MadTV Sketch from 2002 Called Me Out On 30 Years of Damage”