Trigger warnings: Self injury, suicidal thoughts, emotionally abusive relationships
I hate disappointing people.
Ever since I was in elementary school, I did extremely well in school, participated in all sorts of extracurricular activities (piano, dance, theatre, violin, gymnastics, voice lessons, choir) and pretty much dominated the Best In Show awards in most categories I entered in the local county 4-H Fair.
I’m on the right, as “Kate Murphy” in Titanic: The Musical my senior year of high school
I was very dedicated to living a life pleasing to God, and I would stay up late at night in middle school worrying about if I was going to get into Heaven, and then if my family was going to get into Heaven, and then if my friends were going to get into Heaven.
I went on a mission trip with my church to Haiti when I was 14, inner-city Philly when I was 15, Toronto when I was 16, and the Dominican Republic when I was 18. And the whole time I was on them, I worried if I was being selfless enough. I worried that I was doing them for the wrong reasons, for the glorification of myself, not of God. I was tormented by my inadequacies.
On my mission trip to the Dominican Republic, 2005
Continue reading “On Inadequacy and Self Loathing, or How My Second Boyfriend Was Legally Banned From My College”