On Being A Floater, or How Sometimes Not Fitting Into Boxes Sometimes Gets A Bit Old And Lonely And Also I’m Kinda Like E.T.

On Being A Floater, or How Sometimes Not Fitting Into Boxes Sometimes Gets A Bit Old And Lonely And Also I’m Kinda Like E.T.
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I promise this will all make sense by the end.

I’ve always been a bit of a “floater.”

One of the things I pride myself in is that I am fiercely individual, but I have found that this can sometimes come with a price.

I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot lately.

Continue reading “On Being A Floater, or How Sometimes Not Fitting Into Boxes Sometimes Gets A Bit Old And Lonely And Also I’m Kinda Like E.T.”

On The Women’s March or How My Faith In The World Has Been Restored (and how Janelle Monáe is a goddess, which I already knew but White Feminsm apparently still trumps all with all focus on Madonna’s speech because she added some swears)

On The Women’s March or How My Faith In The World Has Been Restored (and how Janelle Monáe is a goddess, which I already knew but White Feminsm apparently still trumps all with all focus on Madonna’s speech because she added some swears)
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If this is you or you know who this is, please let me know so I can credit appropriately!

If you read my most recent post, you’ll know that I’ve been struggling with how to balance activism and staying informed about the current state of events in our country with my own mental health.

I struggle with whether or not I’m just using it as a crutch or an excuse.  I struggle with guilt in not participating in ways others are.

As the Women’s March approached, I wrestled in my mind with it.  While I now live less than 100 miles from Washington D.C., I am nowhere near my amazing, strong feminist friends.  And I have pretty crippling anxiety regarding crowds and loud places.  So the idea of going to one of these events, let alone by myself, seemed impossible.  There were some smaller events locally, but even the idea of going to one of those stressed me out.

And so I stayed home, glued to social media.  I was inspired and energized and filled with love and hope, witnessing literally HUNDREDS of my friends attending these events all over the country and even world.

Continue reading “On The Women’s March or How My Faith In The World Has Been Restored (and how Janelle Monáe is a goddess, which I already knew but White Feminsm apparently still trumps all with all focus on Madonna’s speech because she added some swears)”

On My Struggle With In-Activism Post-Election, or How I’m Trying To Look After My Mental Health

On My Struggle With In-Activism Post-Election, or How I’m Trying To Look After My Mental Health
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This ridiculous Google Chrome extension is my one consolation nowadays

I spent the whole day after Election Day 2016 crying at work.

I was devastated.  I was terrified.  I felt betrayed by my country and began playing witch-hunt games in my mind.

Who in this room right now voted for HIM?  

Am I safe?  

Who wants me dead?  

Who wants to take away my rights?  

Who wants to subject me to conversion therapy?  

I was on a downward spiral.  Partly numb, partly in utter disbelief, and partly just struggling to stay afloat.

Friends were jumping on social media, speaking out, going to protests and rallies, calling senators and representatives.

And I was immobilized.

Continue reading “On My Struggle With In-Activism Post-Election, or How I’m Trying To Look After My Mental Health”

On Being A Woman Who Doesn’t Want Children, or How Puppy Sitting Made Me Even More Aware of My Selfish and Un-nurturing Nature

On Being A Woman Who Doesn’t Want Children, or How Puppy Sitting Made Me Even More Aware of My Selfish and Un-nurturing Nature

Preface: I’m pretty adamant about the fact that I don’t want to have kids, and I will be discussing these thoughts and feelings in this post. It does not mean I think poorly of those who do, who want to, or who wish they could have children. These are only my own personal beliefs and they are not meant to hurt anyone in any way. 



When I started college twelve years ago as an 18 year old freshman, I was given an assignment: write a letter to my future self, outlining where I saw myself at graduation and then my 10 year plan.

As a freshman, I planned on focusing on musical theatre performance, perhaps taking some classes in education. I wanted to run a musical theatre company for youth similar to the one I attended as a homeschooler throughout high school.

So that meant I would graduate with my musical theatre focused degree at age 22.

By age 24 or maybe 25 at the latest, I would be married to a wonderful guy.

And a couple years after that at 26 or 27, I would have my first kid. My second would follow a couple years later, so I would have my intended two children by the time I was 30.

I’m now 30, and the only thing that happened in that 10 year plan was “I graduated with some sort of degree at age 22.”

And I did get married, but it was to a woman.

And that marriage was over by the time I hit 30.

And now, I don’t even want any of that.

Let’s back up.

Continue reading “On Being A Woman Who Doesn’t Want Children, or How Puppy Sitting Made Me Even More Aware of My Selfish and Un-nurturing Nature”

On My Marriage or How Forever Turned Into One Year

On My Marriage or How Forever Turned Into One Year

TW: brief discussion of self injury and not-quite-suicidal thoughts

Five years ago this Friday, I started dating the woman who would be my wife.

Two years ago today, I married the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Photo by Carolyn Sinon

One year ago today, she asked for a divorce.

Today, I’m half a country and worlds away from where I was last year, and I’m doing so amazingly well.

Things all work out.
But what happened?

Continue reading “On My Marriage or How Forever Turned Into One Year”

On Down Days, or How Even Though The Only Person I’ve Spoken With All Week is an Aldi Cashier, I Can’t Possibly Be Social Tonight

I’ve been having one of those days.

No, I did absolutely nothing of consequence today. I’m off work for at least another week, and I slept in till 1 and took a nap at 7:30.

I had made some plans with myself to go to a dark electro night in a neighboring town, but I spent the whole day dreading it.

I made pros and cons lists. I didn’t want to go by myself but that’s just how it would have to be. It’s 20 miles away, which means it’s a commitment and I can’t just bail. I could meet some cool people, but if I got cornered by some weirdies (and there are definitely those types at these sort of occasions) I wouldn’t have a friend as an exit strategy.

And, even though the only human contact I have had in the last week was the cashier at Aldi, I really really don’t want to be around people.

I talked with friends, they tried to convince me it would be a good idea and I would end up having fun.

But in the end, I think I’m bowing out of my plans with myself.

Continue reading “On Down Days, or How Even Though The Only Person I’ve Spoken With All Week is an Aldi Cashier, I Can’t Possibly Be Social Tonight”

On Inadequacy and Self Loathing (Part II) or How A MadTV Sketch from 2002 Called Me Out On 30 Years of Damage

On Inadequacy and Self Loathing (Part II) or How A MadTV Sketch from 2002 Called Me Out On 30 Years of Damage

NOTE: This post is dealing with similar themes, though a different aspect of my life-long struggles with feelings of inadequacy.  You can read the companion post here.

This spring, there was a seminar held at my workplace in which we were expected to dig deep within ourselves to discover what our biggest roadblocks were to peace of mind, joy and satisfaction personally and professionally. 
It was going to be 16 hours of who-knows-what, and I had no idea what to expect, and what I could possibly get out of it. 
There were a lot of wise platitudes uttered which proved to be a bit of a mindfuck for me: “We’re only our perception and our experiences. And the way we perceive others doesn’t make it true–it’s just our experiences.”

Furthermore, we were introduced to the concept that “What you see is what you anticipate seeing, what  you’ve always decided things were. How do you ever see anything new?”

Basically by the end of session three, I was convinced it was entirely probable we were living in The Matrix. 

But then, we were asked to write down the biggest issues we had at work, and in our lives in general, that kept us from experiencing joy. 

Most people listed issues with coworkers or protocols or family.

But all of mine came from internal forces.

Continue reading “On Inadequacy and Self Loathing (Part II) or How A MadTV Sketch from 2002 Called Me Out On 30 Years of Damage”