On Turning 31, or Reflections on My 30th Year and Realizing This Is Gonna Be An Awesome Decade

On Turning 31, or Reflections on My 30th Year and Realizing This Is Gonna Be An Awesome Decade

This time last year, I wrote a post about my anxiety about turning 30.  My birthday is next week, and I’m happy to report that I survived my first year of this new decade!

30th birthday
My friends decorated my workspace last year for my 30th birthday because they are The Best™

A lot of the goals and life skills that I had begun to set in motion at this point last year have solidified into some Real Adult Habits and Practices.

Continue reading “On Turning 31, or Reflections on My 30th Year and Realizing This Is Gonna Be An Awesome Decade”

Advertisements

2016 In Review, or What Do Quinoa Bowls and Three Brothers From West Virginia Have To Do With My Mental Health and Self Care?

2016 In Review, or What Do Quinoa Bowls and Three Brothers From West Virginia Have To Do With My Mental Health and Self Care?

2016.  Oh, where do I start?

I’ve seen dozens of think pieces, of Facebook posts from friends and strangers, telling me how I should feel about myself and my outlook on this year.  I should feel lucky, I should take a good hard look at myself and realize that it’s all my damn fault that I’m not happy (forget about the fact that we have no control over some very serious shit that can happen like death and poverty and mental illness and abuse and it’s a very victim-blaming way to think about it to tell us we can just snap out of it.)

Personally, I’ll admit that 2015 was the bigger dumpster fire for me.  That was when my depression had gotten its worst ever, and shit hit the fan with my marriage.  2016 has been a year of growth and rebuilding my life.

But for this country, 2016 has thrust me into a huge amount of worry.  But that’s out of my control in many ways.

So what are my take-aways for 2016?  What have I learned?  How have I changed?

Ohhh, buddy.  If you only knew.

Continue reading “2016 In Review, or What Do Quinoa Bowls and Three Brothers From West Virginia Have To Do With My Mental Health and Self Care?”

On Being A Woman Who Doesn’t Want Children, or How Puppy Sitting Made Me Even More Aware of My Selfish and Un-nurturing Nature

On Being A Woman Who Doesn’t Want Children, or How Puppy Sitting Made Me Even More Aware of My Selfish and Un-nurturing Nature

Preface: I’m pretty adamant about the fact that I don’t want to have kids, and I will be discussing these thoughts and feelings in this post. It does not mean I think poorly of those who do, who want to, or who wish they could have children. These are only my own personal beliefs and they are not meant to hurt anyone in any way. 



When I started college twelve years ago as an 18 year old freshman, I was given an assignment: write a letter to my future self, outlining where I saw myself at graduation and then my 10 year plan.

As a freshman, I planned on focusing on musical theatre performance, perhaps taking some classes in education. I wanted to run a musical theatre company for youth similar to the one I attended as a homeschooler throughout high school.

So that meant I would graduate with my musical theatre focused degree at age 22.

By age 24 or maybe 25 at the latest, I would be married to a wonderful guy.

And a couple years after that at 26 or 27, I would have my first kid. My second would follow a couple years later, so I would have my intended two children by the time I was 30.

I’m now 30, and the only thing that happened in that 10 year plan was “I graduated with some sort of degree at age 22.”

And I did get married, but it was to a woman.

And that marriage was over by the time I hit 30.

And now, I don’t even want any of that.

Let’s back up.

Continue reading “On Being A Woman Who Doesn’t Want Children, or How Puppy Sitting Made Me Even More Aware of My Selfish and Un-nurturing Nature”

On Going Out Alone, or The Wordvomit I Wrote While Sitting Alone At A Bar

On Going Out Alone, or The Wordvomit I Wrote While Sitting Alone At A Bar

I’ve actually lived in my current town for a grand total of 5 months, three of which I was wallowing in some serious post-divorce feels.  I have some nice coworkers, but I still haven’t really found my people. 

So here I am, faced with several weeks of no work and no idea what the hell to do.

So tonight, I decided to conduct…an experiment.

Continue reading “On Going Out Alone, or The Wordvomit I Wrote While Sitting Alone At A Bar”

On Introversion and Learning To Be Open, or I Talked To A Lady In Petsmart Today For Ten Minutes And I Didn’t Run Away

On Introversion and Learning To Be Open, or I Talked To A Lady In Petsmart Today For Ten Minutes And I Didn’t Run Away

I’m an introvert.

Like, for realz.

An INFJ, to be exact, if you’re into that whole Myers Briggs thing.

Continue reading “On Introversion and Learning To Be Open, or I Talked To A Lady In Petsmart Today For Ten Minutes And I Didn’t Run Away”

On Friendship, or How I “Won” One Of My Closest Friends In My Divorce

On Friendship, or How I “Won” One Of My Closest Friends In My Divorce

Our first friends are often chosen for us because our parents like each other. We have few real interests, and “getting along” means we don’t hit each other over the head with the Fisher Price Corn Popper Walker Toy and we share our favorite stuffed animals.

Me with toysMarch 1988
All mine, bitch.  (I was just shy of 2 years old here)

Continue reading “On Friendship, or How I “Won” One Of My Closest Friends In My Divorce”

On Loneliness, Charles Bukowski, and how I owe my sanity after my divorce to my cat

On Loneliness, Charles Bukowski, and how I owe my sanity after my divorce to my cat

On Charles Bukowski

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh. 

there’s no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

–alone with everybody by Charles Bukowski, from Love Is A Dog From Hell (1977)

Charles Bukowski. An alcoholic dirty old man with a gambling addiction. A writer of prose and poetry. I should find everything about him odious, but his book of poetry called Love Is A Dog From Hell has been perhaps the most influential piece of writing in my life.

Continue reading “On Loneliness, Charles Bukowski, and how I owe my sanity after my divorce to my cat”