On Being A Floater, or How Sometimes Not Fitting Into Boxes Sometimes Gets A Bit Old And Lonely And Also I’m Kinda Like E.T.

On Being A Floater, or How Sometimes Not Fitting Into Boxes Sometimes Gets A Bit Old And Lonely And Also I’m Kinda Like E.T.
et
I promise this will all make sense by the end.

I’ve always been a bit of a “floater.”

One of the things I pride myself in is that I am fiercely individual, but I have found that this can sometimes come with a price.

I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot lately.

Continue reading “On Being A Floater, or How Sometimes Not Fitting Into Boxes Sometimes Gets A Bit Old And Lonely And Also I’m Kinda Like E.T.”

On Waiting For Godot, or How This Existential Absurdist Play Made Me Contemplate My Relationship to Ideas of Partnership, Depression and Religion

On Waiting For Godot, or How This Existential Absurdist Play Made Me Contemplate My Relationship to Ideas of Partnership, Depression and Religion
Waiting for Godot set at Theatre Royal Haymarket 2009

 

Since I have an MFA in an aspect of theatre, I’ve read a lot of plays, and I am no stranger to the work of Samuel Beckett.

I first saw a production of Waiting for Godot as a senior in high school while visiting what would become my undergrad theatre department in 2004. I knew nothing about the play, and, while I claimed to be an artsy and intelligent student, I was pretty perplexed by it all.

Waiting for Godot is an existential absurdist play in which two characters, Vladimir and Estragon, are stuck in an eternal loop of limbo in which they are constantly waiting for a character named “Godot” who never comes.

Continue reading “On Waiting For Godot, or How This Existential Absurdist Play Made Me Contemplate My Relationship to Ideas of Partnership, Depression and Religion”

On Dating Again or How My Divorce Has Kinda Messed Me Up For Any Future Partners

Yep. It’s happening.
This upcoming Tuesday would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary, and this Friday, my ex wife and I would have been together for five years.

And I’m dipping my toes back into the dating pool.

And it’s weird AF.

Continue reading “On Dating Again or How My Divorce Has Kinda Messed Me Up For Any Future Partners”

On Down Days, or How Even Though The Only Person I’ve Spoken With All Week is an Aldi Cashier, I Can’t Possibly Be Social Tonight

I’ve been having one of those days.

No, I did absolutely nothing of consequence today. I’m off work for at least another week, and I slept in till 1 and took a nap at 7:30.

I had made some plans with myself to go to a dark electro night in a neighboring town, but I spent the whole day dreading it.

I made pros and cons lists. I didn’t want to go by myself but that’s just how it would have to be. It’s 20 miles away, which means it’s a commitment and I can’t just bail. I could meet some cool people, but if I got cornered by some weirdies (and there are definitely those types at these sort of occasions) I wouldn’t have a friend as an exit strategy.

And, even though the only human contact I have had in the last week was the cashier at Aldi, I really really don’t want to be around people.

I talked with friends, they tried to convince me it would be a good idea and I would end up having fun.

But in the end, I think I’m bowing out of my plans with myself.

Continue reading “On Down Days, or How Even Though The Only Person I’ve Spoken With All Week is an Aldi Cashier, I Can’t Possibly Be Social Tonight”

On Going Out Alone, or The Wordvomit I Wrote While Sitting Alone At A Bar

On Going Out Alone, or The Wordvomit I Wrote While Sitting Alone At A Bar

I’ve actually lived in my current town for a grand total of 5 months, three of which I was wallowing in some serious post-divorce feels.  I have some nice coworkers, but I still haven’t really found my people. 

So here I am, faced with several weeks of no work and no idea what the hell to do.

So tonight, I decided to conduct…an experiment.

Continue reading “On Going Out Alone, or The Wordvomit I Wrote While Sitting Alone At A Bar”

On Friendship, or How I “Won” One Of My Closest Friends In My Divorce

On Friendship, or How I “Won” One Of My Closest Friends In My Divorce

Our first friends are often chosen for us because our parents like each other. We have few real interests, and “getting along” means we don’t hit each other over the head with the Fisher Price Corn Popper Walker Toy and we share our favorite stuffed animals.

Me with toysMarch 1988
All mine, bitch.  (I was just shy of 2 years old here)

Continue reading “On Friendship, or How I “Won” One Of My Closest Friends In My Divorce”

On Loneliness, Charles Bukowski, and how I owe my sanity after my divorce to my cat

On Loneliness, Charles Bukowski, and how I owe my sanity after my divorce to my cat

On Charles Bukowski

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh. 

there’s no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

–alone with everybody by Charles Bukowski, from Love Is A Dog From Hell (1977)

Charles Bukowski. An alcoholic dirty old man with a gambling addiction. A writer of prose and poetry. I should find everything about him odious, but his book of poetry called Love Is A Dog From Hell has been perhaps the most influential piece of writing in my life.

Continue reading “On Loneliness, Charles Bukowski, and how I owe my sanity after my divorce to my cat”