On The Women’s March or How My Faith In The World Has Been Restored (and how Janelle Monáe is a goddess, which I already knew but White Feminsm apparently still trumps all with all focus on Madonna’s speech because she added some swears)

On The Women’s March or How My Faith In The World Has Been Restored (and how Janelle Monáe is a goddess, which I already knew but White Feminsm apparently still trumps all with all focus on Madonna’s speech because she added some swears)
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If this is you or you know who this is, please let me know so I can credit appropriately!

If you read my most recent post, you’ll know that I’ve been struggling with how to balance activism and staying informed about the current state of events in our country with my own mental health.

I struggle with whether or not I’m just using it as a crutch or an excuse.  I struggle with guilt in not participating in ways others are.

As the Women’s March approached, I wrestled in my mind with it.  While I now live less than 100 miles from Washington D.C., I am nowhere near my amazing, strong feminist friends.  And I have pretty crippling anxiety regarding crowds and loud places.  So the idea of going to one of these events, let alone by myself, seemed impossible.  There were some smaller events locally, but even the idea of going to one of those stressed me out.

And so I stayed home, glued to social media.  I was inspired and energized and filled with love and hope, witnessing literally HUNDREDS of my friends attending these events all over the country and even world.

Continue reading “On The Women’s March or How My Faith In The World Has Been Restored (and how Janelle Monáe is a goddess, which I already knew but White Feminsm apparently still trumps all with all focus on Madonna’s speech because she added some swears)”

On My Struggle With In-Activism Post-Election, or How I’m Trying To Look After My Mental Health

On My Struggle With In-Activism Post-Election, or How I’m Trying To Look After My Mental Health
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This ridiculous Google Chrome extension is my one consolation nowadays

I spent the whole day after Election Day 2016 crying at work.

I was devastated.  I was terrified.  I felt betrayed by my country and began playing witch-hunt games in my mind.

Who in this room right now voted for HIM?  

Am I safe?  

Who wants me dead?  

Who wants to take away my rights?  

Who wants to subject me to conversion therapy?  

I was on a downward spiral.  Partly numb, partly in utter disbelief, and partly just struggling to stay afloat.

Friends were jumping on social media, speaking out, going to protests and rallies, calling senators and representatives.

And I was immobilized.

Continue reading “On My Struggle With In-Activism Post-Election, or How I’m Trying To Look After My Mental Health”

On Body Image and Self Care Part 2, or How I’m An Adult Who Can Kinda Cook Now and Sometimes Exercises

On Body Image and Self Care Part 2, or How I’m An Adult Who Can Kinda Cook Now and Sometimes Exercises

Content warning:  Talk about struggles with disordered thinking about food and weight

Earlier this spring, I blogged at length about my life-long struggles with weight and body image.   At the time, I had been rapidly losing weight for a variety of reasons:

  1. Changing antidepressants
  2. The crippling depression and anxiety that followed a divorce and move across the country to a place where I knew absolutely no one
  3. Becoming more active and trying to eat better

Between May 2014 and March 2015, I had lost (at my most) 50 pounds.

And, although my rapid weight loss has stabilized, I’ve managed to solidly stay down 40 pounds over the past year.

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As you can see, since I’ve been logging in my Lose It! App since October 2011, my weight has kinda been all over the damn place.  I really love data and infographics.

According to the BMI, which many people hold as a whole lot of bullshit because it alone can’t tell me how healthy I am, I should still lose 30 pounds to put me squarely into the “ideal weight” category. When I was that weight while I was in grad school, my professors, coworkers and classmates were concerned about my health, if that says anything.

I was a little disappointed that my medication didn’t keep easily shedding those pounds for me, but I think my body has kind of reached the point of stasis.  Ideally, I would like to lose 10-20 more pounds, but I’m pretty proud of my progress and the fact that I have kept it off.

So.  Now that my body has decided that I need to do some work to keep it this weight, what have I done?

Continue reading “On Body Image and Self Care Part 2, or How I’m An Adult Who Can Kinda Cook Now and Sometimes Exercises”

2016 In Review, or What Do Quinoa Bowls and Three Brothers From West Virginia Have To Do With My Mental Health and Self Care?

2016 In Review, or What Do Quinoa Bowls and Three Brothers From West Virginia Have To Do With My Mental Health and Self Care?

2016.  Oh, where do I start?

I’ve seen dozens of think pieces, of Facebook posts from friends and strangers, telling me how I should feel about myself and my outlook on this year.  I should feel lucky, I should take a good hard look at myself and realize that it’s all my damn fault that I’m not happy (forget about the fact that we have no control over some very serious shit that can happen like death and poverty and mental illness and abuse and it’s a very victim-blaming way to think about it to tell us we can just snap out of it.)

Personally, I’ll admit that 2015 was the bigger dumpster fire for me.  That was when my depression had gotten its worst ever, and shit hit the fan with my marriage.  2016 has been a year of growth and rebuilding my life.

But for this country, 2016 has thrust me into a huge amount of worry.  But that’s out of my control in many ways.

So what are my take-aways for 2016?  What have I learned?  How have I changed?

Ohhh, buddy.  If you only knew.

Continue reading “2016 In Review, or What Do Quinoa Bowls and Three Brothers From West Virginia Have To Do With My Mental Health and Self Care?”

The Waiting Girl, or A Throwback To The First Thing I Wrote In Years Back In December 2015

The Waiting Girl, or A Throwback To The First Thing I Wrote In Years Back In December 2015

*NOTE: This piece was written entirely in December 2015 with no edits since that time.  This is extremely important to note, as there are some small parallels to current events in my life and if they are read into too much it will make me look like a SUPER CRAZY PERSON.*

In early April 2015, I had one of the most fascinating, puzzling, vivid and unsettling dreams I’ve ever had. I had been married to my then wife, now ex-wife for less than 8 months, and so the themes in my dream, as you will learn, were quite troubling to me. I recorded my retelling of the dream on my way to work one rainy morning, and I set it aside. It was a strangely beautiful story, complete in its own right. I’ve been wanting to try my hand at writing again, and I just remembered that I had tucked away this idea. What follows is a rough draft of this oddly timely, slightly prophetic, poetic dream, written December 2015.


If you glimpsed something so perfect, would you give up your life for the promise of holding it once more?

Continue reading “The Waiting Girl, or A Throwback To The First Thing I Wrote In Years Back In December 2015”

On IUDs, or How No Matter What Happens In The White House, I’m 99.9% Guaranteed Baby Free For The Next Ten Years

On IUDs, or How No Matter What Happens In The White House, I’m 99.9% Guaranteed Baby Free For The Next Ten Years

DISCLAIMER:  This post is about my own experiences researching and getting an IUD.  I am definitely not a medical professional and this isn’t medical advice.  But hopefully this can help you decide if IUDs are a worthwhile birth control method to speak with your doctor about, and what to expect if you choose to get one.

Due to the outcome of this U.S. presidential election, people with uteruses are asking a lot of unanswerable questions about what may happen to their bodies over the next four years.

Many of my friends have birth control through “Obamacare”/the Affordable Care Act and, the way our President Elect has been talking, he intends to do away with this.

There have recently been some articles circulating that he recently met with Obama and “wants to keep parts of Obamacare”. The two aspects he mentioned are barring insurance companies from rejecting people for pre-existing conditions and allowing people to stay on their parents’ insurance until they are 26.

Unfortunately, that leaves countless people with uteruses (I say it this way because some transmen have uteruses as well) wondering if they will still have easy and affordable access to birth control options within the next year.

The IUD or “Intrauterine Device” has been the buzz amongst my friends this past week.

Based upon which type you get, once installed, it is good for 3-10 years! This means that, for many people, they could have worry-free birth control that could last them until this hopefully blows over.

I had an IUD installed this spring, the copper Paragard version, and I have been planning to write about my experience and my choice for a while. But now it is more pertinent than ever. I have been talking with several friends individually about it, so I thought it was now the time for me to write this thing!

Continue reading “On IUDs, or How No Matter What Happens In The White House, I’m 99.9% Guaranteed Baby Free For The Next Ten Years”

The Election, Or How To Be An Advocate and Ally Without Alienating People

The Election, Or How To Be An Advocate and Ally Without Alienating People
This ill-fitting blazer was the closest thing to a pantsuit this “Nasty Woman” wore to vote!

CW: Trans murder rate, murders of POC, this damn election

I don’t even know where to start. It’s not hyperbolic when I tell you that I am deeply grieving for My America right now. The America that was just beginning to acknowledge people like me as worthy of rights like marriage, adoption, protection from being fired because of my identity, and other things that so many people take for granted.

I could fill this page with empassioned wailings about how concerned I am for the safety of myself as a queer woman and my other LGBQ friends, my trans friends, my friends who are people of color, Muslim, immigrants, disabled, lower income, single mothers, people with uteruses, women…

Yes, these concerns exist and are so visceral I feel it seething out of my body, feel myself getting hives, unable to eat, bawling all day at work, and feeling like a tightly coiled spring.

Continue reading “The Election, Or How To Be An Advocate and Ally Without Alienating People”